At The End Of The Day

At the end of the day, all you need is someone to hug you and tell you its okay, and that they believe in you.

The Dream

 its that time now...everyones off leaving for college and moving ahead with their lives, I can't wait to start either, but before I can I need to find myself...I know how cheesy and weird that sounds trust me.. saying it makes me cringe a little myself, but honestly I don't feel 100% me, I can't help but feel like there is something missing, and I can tell you now its not a person or thing that I am missing. it feels like so much more than that.
I have this empty pit where I have the craving to just leave and travel....

Most people take this as I want to keeping moving forever, but honestly I can't wait to settle down, I can't wait till college is over (not that I can't wait for college..its going to be insane) and I can start my life officially, where I have a nice job...that I enjoy of course.. and get married, and have kids. I can't wait to just start doing life, I feel like up until now everything we've done has been in preparation...crappy preparation but preparation nonetheless for the life ahead of us. And I just can't wait to hold the steering wheel to my own life. whether I am in Alaska or not, I know for a fact that I want a little log/lake cabin house...I have my whole house planned out..as seen below.

I'm not really sure where I was going with this....

little late night rant to clear my head.

Don't assume kids. Don't change yourself based on your assumptions, don't do what I did. 

Assuming what someone does and doesn't like is one of the worst kind of assumptions you can make,  but even after you've done that the worst thing you can do is change yourself based on what you think they do or do not like; because once you've changed (even if its temporary), once they see that side of you, its hard for them to see the real you, and even if they do see the real you, they think the real you is the fake you and that's when it gets messy. 

It can lead to fake relationships, you can be stuck in a cycle with someone for weeks or months or maybe even years. It can make you feel used, but in reality that's what you may of betrayed to them when you showed the changed you. 

For example: if you think a guy that you like, likes girls that party and have sex, based on their habits that you've observed, and you change in the girl you think he wants, and then he ends up liking you but not for those reasons, but you think he just wants the sex because its the fake you that you are around him and others at parties, then things are going to get messy. Neither of you are going to want to discuss your feelings, or be your true selves in front of each other, because you are both assuming what the other person wants, when in reality it could turn out that you really want the true same thing but you're both lying to yourselves and each other. 

Relationships now a days seem to be based off of sex and sexual favors, and its becoming tiring, its becoming increasingly difficult to find a guy that's down to just kick back and watch a good old movie and cuddle, or a guy that wants to go to the movies ...and actually watch the movie..I'm not saying the cute holding hands or head resting/ snuggling shouldn't happen because it most definitely should. Or a guy that initiates hanging out like bowling...good old fashioned bowling with a little witty competitive banter. heck, a guy that will actually work out with you and not feel embarrassed by all the other people there. Honestly anything is great, late night walks with no destination where you can just talk and lay under the stars and talk about the universe, or all night drives holding hands and singing to old country songs and then pulling up to an early morning breakfast place where you're the only ones there sat in a little booth at the back scoffing down warm fresh pancakes....blimey I'm making this sound all note bookish.. point is whether its a fancy dinner where he pulls out your chair and holds open the doors, or just laying in bed in your PJ's watching trailer park boys, cuddling, it doesn't matter, it shouldn't revolve around sex. don't get me wrong sex is brilliant but it should be what the foundations of the relationship are based on, think next time before you assume, because otherwise you might just end up losing them. okay rant over, had to get that off my chest... goodnight. xx

Time Bank

" Imagine there is a bank account that credits your account each morning with $86,400, It carries over no balance day to day...
What would you do?
draw out every credit of course?
each of us has such a bank.
Its name is TIME
every morning, it credits you 86,400 seconds
you must live in the present on todays deposit, the clock is running make the most of today."

Today is brand new day.
A fresh start, replace any negativity with positivity. Think happy thoughts, exercise, drink lots of water, fill your body with fuel, healthy is happy, inspire yourself.
create.
laugh.
play.
go for a run, do some sit ups, give someone a compliment, make a new friend, tell yourself you are beautiful, spread love.
be kind and create good karma.
Take chances.
experience.

Wet and Dry

There's two types of anger in this world. Theres dry anger and then theres wet anger. 

Wet anger is when your eyes water and your voice shakes and I hate that because I feel weak when I'm crying while angry. I like the dry anger; when your face is like stone and your voice is sharp, I guess wet anger shows that you care too much and dry anger means you're done. 

Fall

I'm ready for fall because I miss leggings and sweaters and boots and scarves and pumpkins and cinnamon and wind and crunchy leaves not to mention the colors of fall and the candles and spooky stories and bonfires. Summer its been real.

I Take Myself Places

All I need is a friend that will dance with me, or a dancer partner.

Travel. As much as you can. As far as you can. As long as you can.
Life is not meant to be lived in one place. 

Every day we have plenty of opportunities to get angry, stressed or offended. But what you're doing when you indulge these negative emotions is giving something outside yourself power over your happiness. You can choose to not let little things upset you.

" Smile every change you get; not because life has been easy, perfect, or exactly as you had anticipated, but because you choose to be happy and grateful for all the good things you do have and all the problems you know you don't have. Because when you get up the morning you are faced with a choice- either to be happy or be unhappy, just choose to be happy"

Annoyed

I am getting increasingly annoyed at the barrage of articles about teenagers that I see in the news, and the adults who keep trying to explain our behavior. I am 17 and have just graduated, like most of my friends. We are not as irrational and immature as adults seem to think. We've grown up with financial crises and accept that most of us will be unemployed. We no longer flinch at bloody images of war because we've grown up seeing the chaos in the middle east and else where. Most of us are cynical and pessimistic because of the environment we've grown up in- which should be explanation enough for out apparent insolence and disrespect without "experts" having to write articles about it. Has no one ever seen that we are angry at the world we live in? Angry that we will have to clean up your mess, while you hold us in contempt, analyzing our responses as though we were another species? I would like adults to treat us not as strange creatures from another world but as human beings with intelligent thought- a little different from yours, perhaps, but intelligent thought nonetheless. Stop teaching adults how to behave around us, and instead teach them to respect us.

...What if?..

What if there are actually multiple souls in your body but you're the most powerful one, so you have control over your body and the voices you hear in your head are just the weaker souls talking to you..and maybe people with schizophrenia don't have an assertive soul so all of the souls are fighting to take over...

Be Kind. Be Happy. Be Grateful.

I really like this. 

"Even the nicest people have their limits. Don't try to reach that point because the nicest people are also the scariest assholes when they've had enough 

 

Demons run when a good man goes to war. "

Adventure

I need to learn to drive or find someone who would just pack up with me and leave and just drive to California, Alaska or South America with me for an adventure. Like tonight I wish I could just pack a bag and drive to California for a few weeks, so I could surf, chill, relax and get away from stress. How crazy would that be? Just leaving for awhile...Although I have a feeling if I got to Alaska I may not come back.

Into The Wild Will Always Be One Of My Favorite Films

Favourite scene: 

Wayne Westerberg: Outdoorsman. What's your fascination with all that stuff?

Christopher McCandless: I'm going to Alaska.

Wayne Westerberg: Alaska, Alaska? Or city Alaska? Because they do have markets in Alaska. The city of Alaska. Not in Alaska. In the city of Alaska, they have markets.

Christopher McCandless: No, man. Alaska, Alaska. I'm gonna be all the way out there, all the way fucking out there. Just on my own. You know, no fucking watch, no map, no axe, no nothing. No nothing. Just be out there. Just be out there in it. You know, big mountains, rivers, sky, game. Just be out there in it, you know? In the wild.

Wayne Westerberg: In the wild.

Christopher McCandless: Just wild!

Wayne Westerberg: Yeah. What are you doing when we're there? Now you're in the wild, what are we doing?

Christopher McCandless: You're just living, man. You're just there, in that moment, in that special place and time. Maybe when I get back, I can write a book about my travels.

Wayne Westerberg: Yeah. Why not?

Christopher McCandless: You know, about getting out of this sick society. Society!

Wayne Westerberg: [coughs] Society! Society!

Christopher McCandless: Society, man! You know, society! Cause, you know what I don't understand? I don't understand why people, why every fucking person is so bad to each other so fucking often. It doesn't make sense to me. Judgment. Control. All that, the whole spectrum. Well, it just...

Wayne Westerberg: What "people" we talking about?

Christopher McCandless: You know, parents, hypocrites, politicians, pricks.

Wayne Westerberg: [taps Chris' head] This is a mistake. It's a mistake to get too deep into all that kind of stuff. Alex, you're a hell of a young guy, a hell of a young guy. But I promise you this. You're a young guy! Can't be juggling blood and fire all the time!

“The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.” 


“So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned by a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure.” 

“If you want something in this life, reach out and grab it.” 

Dance

For many dance is simply a string of movements to a piece of music or to a beat of some sort however for me, dancing means so much more. For me dance means freedom. It allows me to escape and forget the world and issues around me. I know it sounds a bit fantastical but when I'm dancing I can drift into another world. Just with a simple deep breath or a long, slow stretch of an arm or leg, bad thoughts can disappear. I think you should always dance because you want to and have a passion for it. Dancing should not be about awards, attention, or any of that. It extends to more than just that. It plays the role of a means of escape, an art form that the human body engages in that allows for the body to speak meaning in a seemingly meaningless world and encapsulates the embodiment for all things meek. I for one do not dance much in front of people very often unless I'm screwing around, and I defiantly do not let people see the venerability in most of my dances. I'm one for putting in headphones and blocking out my problems and blocking out people. Dance is a way for me to release anger and sadness or happiness. Its a way for me to unleash my feelings without causing damage to others. Many times I will stay down in my basement for hours until I feel better or relaxed. There is no better feeling than dancing to a song that describes exactly how you feel, and moving your body to the beat. I don't know what I would dance, I will forever be grateful for what it has done for me, I know for a fact I would not be as strong as I am now without it, because it has helped me though the darkest times when its felt like no one or nothing can help. 

and I may not be a prima ballerina, or a pretty dancer, or an elegant dancer at the best of times but heck, nothing beats the rush I feel when I have headphones in and my sweatpants on, with the beat moving my body. I like the kind of dance thats stripped down to the bare core. Everyone wears a mask in this society we live in, but when I dance I don't need any of that costume crap to make it real. Its just me. 

Packing up

For the longest time I have felt an emptiness, and I'm not talking the hurt empty. I mean I don't feel complete, and not because I'm missing someone or anything, I feel as though I'm missing something and I can almost pin point exactly what I'm missing, I'm missing the world. I have been in one place for far too long, 
I just want to pack up some things, burn everything else, and just walk. And keep on walking until I fill the emptiness in my chest with sights and sounds and smells of everything this world is made of.

What is True Love?

Growing up I always thought true love was red roses, dates on Saturday nights, little black box that held expensive things, and always knowing what to say. I thought true love was a kiss in the rain, deep explantations, and the perfect story. But now I'm older I've realized its not like that at all.

See because true love for me is ugly snapchats, and peeing while you're on the phone. True love is kissing at 6am despite the morning breath and singing at the top of your lungs. It's saying all the wrong thing, at all the wrong moments. Its sarcasm and being honest even when it hurts. It's late hours of the night when its been a long day and its no make up and bad hair. Its tears from laughter, its tears from sadness and its nothing like any storybook you've ever read. Its never running out of things to talk about, and its being comfortable in the silence of things. True love is watching The Titanic though you swore you never would because you know full well you'd cry. Its getting mad over stupid things. It's "you're an idiot" and "you're a little shit" and knowing you're so lucky to hear those every day. Its spilling your feelings at 4am when you should be asleep. Its that song that you hear on the radio that always makes you smile. Its the worst story you could imagine, but thank God it worked out anyways. True love is never losing the magic. True love is not leaving when things get hard. 

I like my definition better anyways. Don't you?

My Future

I can't even count how many times I've been asked since I graduated, what College I was going to, or what I want to do in the future...and I'm never quite sure how to answer, I feel like I'm drowning on the inside when people ask me that question and that isn't an exaggeration and I know I'm not the only one out there that feels that way. I'm going to quite frank with you here, I don't actually know what I want to do in the future; well as far as a job goes anyway. I want a job that I enjoy so much to the point where it doesn't feel like I'm working at all. Harvey McKay once said

“Find something you love to do, and you'll never work a day in your life”

and quite frankly thats what I want I want to wake up every morning happy to go do something I love, I just have to find out what that is. But next time someone traps you with that question, don't tell them your job future, tell them you life future. You see I want to live somewhere away from the stresses of society (aka like Alaska), now that doesn't necessarily mean I want to live in a tree house by myself in the amazon eating bugs. I want to get married and have a mildly big family ( like 3 kids...I think haha), I want a family dog that comes to sleep on the bed on a saturday morning. I would love to live on a lake with a porch that look over looks the water, where I can stand and drink my morning tea and eat pancakes, wearing my hubbies shirt while looking out at the sun rise. I want to wake up next to my best friend every morning with the dog trying to squish between us as we laugh ; because thats the best thing about marriage right? You get to spend the rest of your life with your best friend and you just get to do life together. Yeah yeah I know I'm 17..I'm not thinking too much about that whole aspect yet I've got a lot to do before that (see the world ect, maybe with them though?hmm.), but I think when the time does come, its going to be bloody wicked. 

 I know that sounds like A LOT of wishful thinking but you know what? whats life with out a little wishing. No one has ever achieved their dreams without a little wishing and hope. 

So What do you want in your future?